What a torrid couple of months it’s been for us! We have experienced so many incredible, new band milestones that it almost feels like this Fair City Fire thing was a good idea. We are so thankful for our family and friends that have helped us spread the word about The Simple Truth.
And we hear it all the time: “Tell us an incredible story about your life since the album came out.”
Don’t worry, friends. You’ll get your incredible story. But first: some happy, little updates.
If you’ve been living under a rock for the last month, hopefully his name is Dwayne Johnson, and hopefully he is giving you smooches, and hopefully he already shared Fair City Fire's new album with you. If he didn’t share it yet- Dude, WTF, The Rock!? I know you’re busy but you volunteered for the street team.
In any event, go ahead and get our album, The Simple Truth, here:
We guarantee you will listen to it for the rest of your life. So when you look at the cost-benefit analysis, which is- supposedly- a thing, you're going to make out like a bandit. Or, make out with a bandit; we don't fully understand that idiom.
If you're on the Ramen diet, don't worry, we've all been (i.e., are) there. You can use the same link above to stream our album. We just really want you to listen to it because we worked hard on the album and we love it.
It's been a fun last month, having our CD at Waterloo Records, getting interviewed by Loris Lowe on KLBJ (link), and filming a music video for "In Search of Your Midnight Kiss". We have some great gigs lined up for this summer, so check them out here: Giggity-giggity.
Thank you to everyone that came out to the album release show at Stubb's. It was a dream come true. Check out some of the footage from that show on our YouTube channel: here.
And now, and unbelievable story...
This story begins with descriptions of Fair City Fires' high-school bullies. This seemingly irrelevant information may have an impact on the remainder of the story. At least, let's hope it does. Otherwise, why am I writing this?
[Band Member - Bully Name - Short description of embarrassing past]
Brett - Sven, the Swede - I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't Brett have been the bully to the foreign exchange student? Let's be clear: if we're talking Mediterranean students, Brett has no issues. He'd give them the ol' Indiana Stuffing. But those Nordic pupils sure do pack a wallop. Especially when you continue to refer to one of them as 'Seven' because 'Sven' isn't a real word to you. Brett got punched sven times a day.
Brian - Wes, the Pop Culture Nerd - Yeah, that's right. A nerd bullied Brian in high school. That's because Brian wasn't the right kind of nerd. Somehow, knowing every The Who song didn't carry the right kind of street cred in the Southern Tier of New York State. A proper nerd had to know about 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and My Chemical Romance. Who has time for that? The Who just put out a new album. Punched.
Joe - Eleanor, the Lunch Lady - While Joe seems like the classic high school stud, you must remember that everyone has a bully of some kind. For Joe, that bully came wrapped in a Styrofoam tray with a pint of chocolate milk. When you're a 60-something skin-bag of anger who doles out ice-cream-scoops of mashed potatoes to ungrateful tweens, it's easy to get angry at the mile-long smile of a happy Joe Valadez. Which is why she consistently referred to him as, "Joe, the mediocre student". Joe still has nightmares.
Derik - Theo, the Boozer - What can one say about high school life in Ohio? There isn't much to do other than invent drinking games that someone else actually already created many years ago. Theo was "11th and 12th grade famous" for being the most gnarly boozer in the Ohio Secondary Education System. The problem with such a reputation is that when you run into one Derik Kroeze, he always wins. Derik humbled Theo so many times that Theo was induced to vomit on Derik's jeans and neck. A lot.
Now that we've covered the completely irrelevant history of our heroes, let's catch up on a remarkable event that rocked Fair City Fire to its core shortly after the release of The Simple Truth.
The guys were designing a Fair City Fire poster that, naturally, Spencer's Gifts wanted in their nationwide shops. The FCF poster would sit between a 'glow-in-the-dark Guitar Chords' poster and a Carmen Electra "fitness" poster. She's still a thing, right?
Obviously, the poster design consisted of each of the band members' high school senior pictures in a 4-square grid. It would be like a milk carton of 4 missing kids, except instead of being "missing" they would be "awkwardly smiling".
A more simple poster concept could not have been devised, and everything was ready for print, except Brett's senior photo. For Brian, Joe, and Derik, finding their photos was easy because they each carried a flash drive of important photos at all times. But for Brett, the much [much] older member of the band, maintaining photographic evidence of his own existence just wasn't important for the pre-internet generation. Brett needed to acquire the hard copies of his Eminem-haircut senior pictures from his folks, a seemingly easy task.
"Oh Bretty!" cried Mrs. Winning upon her favorite son's visit, "Someone stole your high school pictures! Who would do such a thing!?"
"Stolen!? Malfeasance is afoot," a phrase Brett commonly uses.
Brett's instincts served him well, as, together with his delightfully charming parents, they discovered that the Folgers Coffee can that held all of Brett's school pictures was missing. In its place was a business card that read only, "The Exterminators". (Note: the card also listed Vistaprint.com on the back, which indicated that they were low in cost, likely from faux-exterminators).
Mrs. Winning, enraged to her core, shouted, "I don't believe this! Those were fake exterminators, whose only sole purpose was to steal the memories of my beloved Bretty!"
"That would explain our continued termite situation," Mr. Winning snarked in a Mr. Winning way. His slight, pleased grin could not hinder the stress of a mother and son saddened by the loss of such an iconic photo.
"This poster will never be ready in time for the Spencer's Gifts premier," lamented Brett. "Who would steal someone's high school memories? Those are mine to forget about. We need to find the culprits," another phrase popular in Brett's daily dialect.
Days of searching for "The Exterminators" yielded no results, but fortunately, for the sake of this story, Fair City Fire received a private message that read, "If you ever want to see your precious Brett's senior picture again, you must defeat us in a Battle of the Bands. Signed, The Exterminators (P.S. - your album sucks and you suck, too)."
Of course! This was an overly elaborate photo heist designed to draw Fair City Fire into the most epic music-related challenge, a battle of bands. But who were "The Exterminators" and why did they want to challenge FCF so badly? Great expository question, reader! Thanks for providing the segue to the next part of the story without the need for further details.
"We accept your challenge!" shouted Derik, Brian, Joe and Brett in unison. After several, slow seconds without an audible response, they decided to reply via the same private message system The Exterminators used. Success!
The Exterminators dictated that the battle would be held at the Austin Music Hall, with no audience, and 4 judges.
"This seems rigged," asserted Joe.
"Relax," Brian affirmed, "no one has ever heard of The Exterminators. Are they even a real band? We got this. Brett's picture will be ours once again, and that poster will be the best-selling in Spencer's history."
"Boy, I hope you're right, Brian. I need that picture back," grieved Brett.
Derik, who just finished reading The Exterminators' dictation, interrupted, "Um, guys...look at the Judges List."
They each read the names silently, but it seemed like they were being read aloud:
Fair City Fire vs. The Exterminators Judges List
Sven, the Swede
Wes, the Pop Culture Nerd
Eleanor, the Lunch Lady
Theo, the Boozer
To be continued...